How Does Abuse and Emotional Neglect Make Someone An Avoider?

How Does Abuse and Emotional Neglect Make Someone An Avoider?

Understanding the Avoider’s Past So You Can Gain New Ways To Interact That Help You Break Out Of Old Ruts

We’ve talked a lot about what makes someone an avoider in previous articles on our website here and here.  We also explain more about why it matters and in different contexts.  But there are some other areas I want to dive deep into because they also play a huge role in your marriage. 

There are several things that can make someone grow up to become an Avoider. In this post we’re focusing on the aspects of your spouse’s past that make them an avoider.

There are several things that contribute to that from their past that we’ll get to in a moment. I don’t want to ignore the things that are happening now in your relationship that might cause them to avoid, that’s the the topic of another article you can find here. 

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How To Reconnect With Your Family When You Travel For Work Or You’re In The Military

How To Reconnect With Your Family When You Travel For Work Or You’re In The Military

This post is written in a frank and direct tone.  But I want you to know that it is because of the love I have for you and your family.  Most of all, your kids, whom I know you love deeply....I know you might be thinking “wait don’t you do marriage counseling? Wouldn’t it be my marriage you’d care the most about?”  

You bet I’m thinking of your marriage too.  But we’re constantly thinking about future marriages.  While these tips will transform your marriage in many ways...if you take this advice...it will also release something in your children that will cause generations of transformed relationships.  It transcends far beyond you or me or even things we can see.  You change thousands of lives by your choice to make these little changes. 

I am tired of seeing my dear friends missing these incredibly important and crucial details.  So I am writing this for you, the internet, as well as my dearest and most beloved friends who have to travel for a living to support their families or who are serving our great country in the military.  

I hope as you read this you hear my desperation for you.  If you saw a burning building and you knew someone was inside suffering wouldn’t you run in to save them?  Yes you would because that’s the type of person you are.  I am that person too.  This post is the water meant to quench the flames you can’t see, but you can feel.  Every time you want to get close but you can’t.  Enough with the small talk and butterfly kisses.  Let’s get on with it. 

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22 Fun Ways To Build Fun and Romance Into Your Marriage

22 Fun Ways To Build Fun and Romance Into Your Marriage

Your marriage health is incredibly important not just for your life expectancy but also for your kid’s life expectancy.  Obviously we advocate for marriage counseling because that’s what we do…but we would love for you to never need us.  So we put together 22 fun ways to build fun and romance into your marriage right now so hopefully you don’t need intensive marriage counseling.

You will see a bunch of links we personally picked just to make these ideas come to life for you.  None of them are affiliate links.  They are all just to make life a little funner (and easier for you).  We hope you enjoy this one as much as we enjoyed writing it for you!

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15 Fun Date Night Ideas For Couples In Oklahoma City or Tulsa

15 Fun Date Night Ideas For Couples In Oklahoma City or Tulsa

Here at Marriage Solutions we’re always on the lookout for fun local activities to do for fun date nights.  Fun is crucial for a love to last.  We need to laugh together and go on adventures both great and small.

You know a life full of stress without stopping for fun can cause any great couple to end up in a marriage counselor’s office.  

So to inspire you, we have assembled 15 great date ideas for couples to do in Oklahoma City or for our couples in Tulsa to take a quick trip south. 

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How Long Should I Try To Work On The Marriage If My Partner Is Unwilling To Try?

How Long Should I Try To Work On The Marriage If My Partner Is Unwilling To Try?

Maybe you’ve been unhappy in your relationship for a while but your partner seems unwilling to do anything to improve the situation.  It can be so hard to know what to do.  You can feel so incredibly stuck.  

I can be even worse if you’ve experienced a significant hurt.  Maybe they don’t know know how to be there for you emotionally or physically when you need them most.  

Maybe there’s been betrayal like an affair.  Maybe you’ve considered looking outside the marriage for comfort.  If you have then READ THIS.
But the question we get quite often in our marriage counseling private practices is, “how long should I try to work on things before it’s a hopeless case?”  Other questions we get are…”am I crazy for wanting to work on things?” Or “Is my partner a Narcissist just trying to hurt me?”

In our years of experience counseling couples we’ve identified several types of people, and situations couples find themselves in, when they have to decide if they should leave their spouse or not.

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How To Reveal The Affair To Your Spouse Without Losing Them Or Being Physically Assaulted In The Process

How To Reveal The Affair To Your Spouse Without Losing Them Or Being Physically Assaulted In The Process

Are you afraid to reveal the affair to your spouse or partner?  A lot of people struggle to be completely forthright and honest about everything surrounding the transgressions.  It can be incredibly scary because you don’t know how they will react.  

Will they leave?  Will they hurt you somehow?  Will you regret it?  Are you better off never revealing what happened…or are you better off sharing all the details?
In our marriage counseling and coaching practices we’ve helped thousands of individuals from all over the world come clean to their partner about the affair…in the best way possible.  It’s not easy…but our methods work.

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Why You're Really Stuck And Unable To Heal After The Affair

Why You're Really Stuck And Unable To Heal After The Affair

Right now, if you’re reading this, you are looking for something, anything, to heal yourself…and maybe your marriage…from broken trust.  For most of you the trust was violated because of infidelity.  

You’ve tried what feels like everything.  Your inbox is likely flooded with tons of advice e-mails and sifting through that alone can feel like a stressful event all by itself.  

But this is all you need.  Right here.  You don’t need to look any further.  We take everything helpful that’s ever been published or thought of and we’ve condensed it to make it manageable and easy to follow.

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The Non-Foodie’s Guide To Good Date Night Restaurants In OKC

The Non-Foodie’s Guide To Good Date Night Restaurants In OKC

Getting out as a couple is so important.  No one understands that better than a marriage counselor.  When Brad and I were pre-kids I found myself complaining about our default habit of dinner and a movie.  But now that we have a toddler I am ecstatic about getting away to the typical dinner and a movie.  We’re not really foodies so we find ourselves getting stuck in the same restaurant cycle.  We know many of you get stuck like that too…so this list is for you and us too!  

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Why A Museum Date in Oklahoma City Is A Great Way To Spice Up Your Relationship

Why A Museum Date in Oklahoma City Is A Great Way To Spice Up Your Relationship

You know what they say…a couple that explores together stays together…or at least having fun together scores big points in the romance realm.

Museums can be a novel way to spend time indoors during less than ideal weather.  When  you see something interesting it gives you an excuse to sit really close to read the tiny placard.  And if you have loud little people always around, many of the museums are incredibly quiet, which is a wonderful break from our crazy busy lives.  

Some of these museums might not be inline with your interests, but that’s why it’s important to go. Doing new and different things helps a romantic connection grow. You never know what will inspire you or if you’ll learn something new about your partner.  You never know what might trigger a good memory or even cause a conversation.  However you feel about the museum will spark a conversation

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3 Strategies For Raising Your Kid To Be A Kind And Likable Person

3 Strategies For Raising Your Kid To Be A Kind And Likable Person

How Your Parenting Today Impacts, Not Just Your Marriage, But Your Kid’s Future Marriage As Well

In a previous post called How To Raise Your Kid To Be A Great Spouse we shared several practical strategies for building a great relationship with your kid so they become a great spouse one day.  

This post continues that conversation about how do we do what we can do to ensure we raise exceptional human beings….AND how this has a direct impact on marriage.

We write from our experiences as parents and as professional marriage therapists.  We help couples every day who once were little kids seeking for attention and love.  We never lose that need for connection and love….it simply transfers to our marriage partner.

If we can learn to meet these needs for our kids we are doing 3 things.  1. We are learning how to meet those needs for our partner, 2. We’re learning about our own needs, and 3. We’re transforming lives for generations upon generations into the future.  

Humans have this incredible power to love and make a conscious effort to change.  We can heal and we can make little shifts to heal the lives of others if we’re brave enough to try.

We’re in this together!  One big human family.  Your family and your marriage plays a key roll in how the world thrives or falls apart.  If you don’t believe me…look at the education system for example…

When our public lacks an education there aren’t enough skilled workers to keep an economy alive.  People go hungry and loose hope.  The good news is you don’t have to rely on some government education system.

When you learn these skills you teach your children how seek their own education.  You remove obstacles so they can fully thrive and live up to their potential.  You’re giving them emotional intelligence.  This gift will allow them to never starve for love or intimacy.

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How To Raise Your Kid To Be A Great Spouse

How To Raise Your Kid To Be A Great Spouse

3 Strategies For Building A Real Connection With Your Kids That Will Actually Change YOUR Life And Marriage

There are a few things we’ve discovered in our marriage counseling practice that people wish they had growing up.  If you are mindful of these six things we cover here, as you raise your kids to be future husbands and wives, you will discover your relationships will transform.

Some things you’ll want to avoid and some you’ll want to start doing so you can achieve your ultimate parenting goals…to raise happy, healthy, successful children, who make good choices, lives up to their full potential, and who are equipped to be a great spouse one day.

Some of these things you’ll know.  Some you already do automatically…and some will take a extra effort on your part.  After helping thousands of couples in our marriage counseling private practices this is what we’ve discovered makes couples the most successful.

It goes far beyond communication techniques and temporary strategies for healing broken trust.  What we share here gets to the root of real intimacy. 

DISCLAIMER: There is so much parent shaming out there these days….we are parents ourselves and frankly we’re sick of it all.  This is NOT that.

This article is all about encouraging you and building you up so you can feel great about your skills and what you’ve already accomplished!  

So let’s explore how you can make sure your kids grow into great spouses one day….if they so choose.

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The Hidden Desires That Lead To Unfaithfulness In Marriage

The Hidden Desires That Lead To Unfaithfulness In Marriage

There are many different factors that cause someone to become unfaithful in their marriage.  We’ve been helping couples in our private practice Marriage Solutions approaching 10 years at this point and have helped thousands of couples.  


We don’t just study what makes a healthy marriage and family…we’re in the trenches every day actively working it out with each couple one at a time.  


In this article we explore the deep hidden desires that cause someone to fall into infidelity.  The goal here is to help you heal, prevent this, or keep it from reoccurring again in your relationship.  

We dive really deep into healing couples in our marriage counseling practice.  But we don’t always have the time to explain what we can here on our blog in session because…well…we only have so much time.  

So in this post we’ll talk about…

  • The hidden desires that lead to an affair

  • The real lack of trust that leads to infidelity

  • How islands become unfaithful spouses

  • What’s the root of it all

  • Giving the best away

  • Giving what we don’t have

  • So what seeds are planted early on that leads someone to infidelity?

  • Why do Pursuers pick Islands?

  • Why do Islands pick Pursuers?

  • What is the solution?

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Is Emotional Blindness Hereditary?

Is Emotional Blindness Hereditary?

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “If I go to my partner with this issue or concern they won’t handle it well?”  

I think we all have thought that at some point.  But what happens after that initial hesitation is what matters a lot.

How do you handle these tough situations?  Do you still go to them and weather the stormy conversation or do you hold back?  Why?  What are we afraid of happening?

How we answer this says a lot about us and our upbringing.  It also tells us a lot about what your children will do when they grow up too….

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Were You Raised To Be Unfaithful?

Were You Raised To Be Unfaithful?

It’s not hard to believe that how we are raised greatly impacts our adult relationships.  But could our upbringing actually lead us to become unfaithful spouses?  

Research says yes it can.  How we are raised can cause us to be more likely to be unfaithful in our marriage.

If you ever wondered why your dad was so much harder on some boyfriends more than others…well this could be the reason!  Your upbringing says a lot about what kind of spouse you’ll be and if your marriage will be at risk for later betrayal.


Before we dive into these marriage counseling secrets….DISCLAIMER: please understand no person’s bad childhood is justification for extremely hurtful behaviors, like infidelity.  A person’s childhood doesn’t explain EVERY choice they make as an adult. 

We will unpack who is most likely to cheat, based on our decades of marriage counseling discoveries, and we discuss what you can do about it.  You’ll want to know if you or your spouse is at risk of being an unfaithful partner.


Spoiler Alert

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Two Practical Tips To Get Unstuck When Communicating With Your Partner

Two Practical Tips To Get Unstuck When Communicating With Your Partner

Today we discuss two practical tips for getting you out of the negative pattern. You might want to know "how do we get out of this negative cycle?’

I had a couple recently, who asked this same question. In typical therapy fashion, I like to give my opinion, however, I always like to defer to the spouse first because they usually have the best answer.

Now, this is somebody who has been betrayed, hurt deeply, and she said "you know, when I get hurt and I've got these ptsd symptoms that I'm working through, there are somethings I need you to do.  

Number one, I need….

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When Friendly Becomes Flirty And How To Protect Your Marriage From Potential Infidelity

When Friendly Becomes Flirty And How To Protect Your Marriage From Potential Infidelity

We all want to connect and feel wanted and desired especially by our partner.  It’s a basic human need.

We’ve talked with thousands of couples through out the years and as we meet with them on a daily basis we hear many consistent answers as to why happily married men flirt.

The biggest reason we hear is that they flirt because they want to know they’re still desirable.  Do they still have what it takes to excite and impress?

It’s not that they have a bad marriage.  It’s not even a fault in their

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Questions to Ask When You've Discovered They Look At Porn

Questions to Ask When You've Discovered They Look At Porn

So you just found out that your spouse has viewed pornography.  Now what?

First, you will likely feel betrayed.  For many spouses when they just learn that their spouse has viewed or routinely views pornography in their past or present there is a sense of betrayal.

It feels like you’ve been lied to and maybe you don’t know your spouse like you thought you did.  For many it feels like an extra marital affair has taken place between your spouse and a stranger.  Even if that stranger is on a screen.

Because of this many times the person who has been betrayed...

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