So lets define “problem anger”. It becomes a problem when:
It intends to hurt, punish, disparage, or avenge, rather than to build, protect, or defend.
Contains malice, hatred, or hostile aggression (we will talk about the companions to anger).
Is excessive (disproportionate to the offense) or out os control.
Is too frequent, too intense, or lasts too long.
Is badly timed.
Keeps you constantly on edge, irritable, cynical, cold, critical, or sarcastic.
Harms yourself, others, or relationships; leads you to do foolish things - like break furniture, or punch someone or something.
Is marked by cruel behavior, including verbal, physical, or emotional abuse, cruelty to animals.
Does not feel good; destroys peace; causes you significant distress.
Impairs performance (driving, job, relationship, thinking, memory, judgement, creativity; e.g. a soldier recklessly charges the enemy and gets shot).
Tries to control or manipulate others (e.g. demands good treatment or respect).
Is easily provoked; impulsive; pops out when you are not expecting it.
Is marked by violence.
I argumentative; refuses to compromise; is quick to pick fights; needs to win the argument rather than resolve the problem; needs to be right because wrong makes one feel worthless.
Blames others for your own problems.
Leads to power struggles.
Is needed to avoid depression or to feel confident.
Is used to dominate others or get your own way.
Leads to behaviors that you later feel ashamed of.
Makes others feel diminished.
Takes a toll on loved ones; makes them uncomfortable.
Leads you to play the martyr; suffer silently.
Is evidenced by having few friends or social skills - sharing, waiting turns, tolerating minor faults.
Can’t overlook relatively minor mistakes of self or others; is uncomfortable with imperfections.
Assumes people’s motives are to harm you.
Leads to nothing productive - is expressed in destructive ways rather than asserting, problem solving, or talking it over.
Leads to excessive smoking, alcohol, drugs, gambling, caffeine, sex, exercise, shopping, or work, to sedate the anger or underlying pain.
Covers deeper feelings and needs (insecurity, loneliness, low self-esteem, etc.).
Obstructs the reasonable progress of others.