In this series of blog posts we discuss the 10 different types of affairs. Earlier in our blog we discussed two other common affairs in the blog series on "2 Different Types of Limerent Affairs." It is worth reading to get a completely rounded view of the different types of affairs.
These affairs are descriptions of common affairs we see. These descriptions are not necessarily meant to be a one size fits all description of your experience. Some affairs can have similarities of other types of affairs, and your situation can fit more than one of these categories.
What Is The One-Night Stand Affair?
Commonly a one-night stand occurs when a spouse is away from home. This is likely the case because they have a greater opportunity and anonymity maybe more possible. Many times, if not most of the time, there's alcohol involved.
The betrayer gets caught up in the heat of the moment, and gives in to temptation. Sometimes they're looking for the chance and sometimes they're not looking for someone to cheat with. Sometimes it's simply a perfect storm of opportunity, temptation, and poor boundaries.
It's important to note that a one-night stand doesn’t always happen because of a lack of emotional connection in the marriage. Sometimes it doesn't even have anything to do with the marriage. Sometimes one night stands occur but really the underlying issue is sex addiction or philandering...but not always!
This doesn’t necessarily happen because the betrayer is dissatisfied with his or her mate, (even sexually). You could never deny them sex or affection but they still find themselves tempted and cheating.
Do They Lie Because They Love Me Or Because They Love Themselves?
With this type of affair one of the distinguishing points is the desire of the betrayer to stay in his or her marriage. Their fear and desire to keep it a secret are indicators that they don’t want to lose the marriage....even though that seems incredibly counter intuitive.
Most of the time the betrayer will not want to loose what they have. They feel terrible (which makes sense) but they often don't know how to share any of this with you. They typically feel that they will hurt you more if they are forthright and honest about everything.
Yes, it will hurt you but many people need to know what was happening in their spouse's mind to fully heal. The truth is so incredibly important and is the only way a person can heal and move on.
What Is At The Heart of The One Night Stand?
The core of this betrayal is based on bad choices, poor boundaries, the lack of integrity, and the opportunity to act.
Frequently, there is no emotional involvement; it may occur with a perfect stranger who is befriended in the situation. It may be motivated out of loneliness or curiosity.
Typically it is the result of poor boundaries and the false belief that, “If I put myself in this situation I won’t cross the line.”
Individuals who have had one-night stands tell themselves that they will go to the grave with their secret. "What happens in Vegas" mentality only makes this worse. That somehow people can detach from their actions and emotions is erroneous.
The betrayer has intense amounts of shame and disgust for themselves because of what they did.
What Were They Thinking About When They Had The Affair?
It is an affair of convenience or opportunity. It is not something that is sought-out, but rather, occurs as the result of an opportunity that is presented.
There is not an ongoing relationship. So this is what many people call "cheating". Many people consider an "affair" as an ongoing relationship with someone. To us the terms are all interchangeable. But the important fact is individuals feel betrayed. So we just say betrayal. This type of affair may very well be a one-time betrayal.
With that said, someone having a one-night stand does NOT go on Craigslist to meet someone for an affair. That is preplanned, a one night stand is more in the heat of the moment. This would lead us to assume that more than likely they are thinking more about themselves and how they feel in the heat of the moment.
This is different than the behavior of a sex addict, who may behave this way very frequently. See the blog post on sex addiction.